COMING OUT: Letters To Our Younger Selves

A few years ago, I saw coming out as a bit of a cliché for the LGBTQ+ community. This was before the influx of TV shows, films and music brimming with queer representation - before Heartstopper stole our hearts and before Kehlani finally revealed, ‘I am gay, gay, gay’ on TikTok.

I’m talking about the days of Glee, when Kurt’s entire storyline revolved around coming out and when Justin from Ugly Betty was one of the youngest gay characters on screen. Back then, it felt like coming out was a box we were all expected to tick - a result of the lack of creative queer stories in media.

On top of that, the thought of having to come out to every new person I met made it feel exhausting. So my view was that coming out was something we should leave behind - a milestone that didn’t need to define us. Fast forward to now, and while I still don’t believe anyone is obligated to come out, my stance has softened. I’ve come to realise that for some, it’s a liberating moment. For others, it’s an ongoing process - or something they choose not to do at all. And that’s perfectly valid.

There’s an entire day of the year dedicated to coming out and celebrating visibility but it’s also a reminder of the challenges we face by simply sharing this part of our identity. The truth is, we don’t owe anyone an explanation. Whether you choose to come out, live a double life, or keep your truth to your nearest and dearest - it’s your journey. Only you should get to decide how and when to share it.

In honour of National Coming Out Day, ALIEN has asked friends to reflect on their own experiences - whether they chose to come out or not. Below, we’ve written letters to our younger selves, sharing the lessons we’ve learned about being exactly who we are and living life unapologetically on our own terms.

ON FEARS AND REACTIONS

• I feared being cast out or seen as wrong, but now it just makes me sad I ever felt that way.

• I thought coming out would change everything, but it didn’t. It just let me be more me.

• I feared rejection from friends and family, and I still have some of those fears today.

• My schoolmates thought there was something wrong with me, but later, they realised they were battling their own demons.

• I still haven’t come out to my family—but I know my friends have my back.

• I’ve experienced homophobia, but thankfully, none from family or friends.

• "Did I fail you as a parent?" – my mother’s response once she realised it wasn't going away.

• My parents refer to my queerness as “my problem.”

• My sister just bought me ice cream after I came out—like nothing had changed, because it hadn’t.

• I told my dad when I was 16. I haven’t spoken to him since, and it’s really messed up my life.

• Coming out to my family was met with a casual ‘ok, cool,’ then they went back to watching football.

ON IDENTITY AND SELF ACCEPTANCE

• I wish I knew it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

• I wish I'd known being gay is normal and there are more people like me.

• It’s okay to feel different. It’s what makes you special.

• You will always be loved, maybe not by the people you want, but by the ones who truly matter.

• There’s no one way to look queer. Appearance doesn’t define sexuality.

• It’s whatever you want it to be, but embrace it in all its forms.

• The ones who don’t accept me? I don’t waste my time being friends with them anymore.

• Being in a straight relationship as a bi woman can lead to judgment from both sides—sometimes even from other queer people.

• Their reactions are not a reflection of you.

ON THE 'PERFECT TIMING'

• Coming out before you're ready could lead to a dangerous situation, so hold off until you’re safe.

• I waited forever to come out – I've done it a million times online – but never had the guts to tell my friends or relatives.

• Coming out sooner would have saved me a lot of hiding and shame.

• Times have changed. If I’d come out earlier, some people would have reacted negatively, but now they're more accepting.

• I’ve never officially come out; it was just a soft realisation over time by those around me.

• I plan to come out when I bring home a partner to introduce to my parents.

ON ADVICE TO GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SELF

• It’s okay to be yourself. Don’t let fear hold you back.

• Be less afraid of sex and sexuality. It’s whatever you want it to be.

• I wish I knew sooner that love and acceptance come when you’re true to yourself.

• Growing up feeling shame isn’t worth it. You'll always be loved, just maybe not by the people you expected.

• I used to fear what people would think. Now I realise, their opinions were never as important as mine.

• I wish I knew being queer wasn’t something to hide—it was just part of who I am.

• The people who couldn’t accept me back then? They were just fighting their own demons.

• Come out when you're safe. Things get better when you're free.

• Don’t do things out of guilt or to please others. Focus on your own comfort.

• Come out when you’re ready. Give yourself so much love.

• Your fears will change, and so will the people around you.

• I waited so long to be true to myself. I just wish I hadn’t waited so long.