Charli XCX, Kids and Chaos: Why We’re Rethinking Motherhood

To none of my friend’s surprise, the idea for this feature emerged after listening to Charli XCX’s sixth studio album. If you missed "BRAT summer", we enjoyed a short-lived summer of club classics, baby tees and slim sunglasses thanks to the pop star.

While her “360” and “Girl, so confusing” songs have made headlines, it’s “I think about it all the time” that I can’t stop replaying. I reflected on Charli's thoughts on motherhood as she sang, and her song caused me to contemplate my own feelings toward motherhood, especially since in two years’ time, I'll be the same age as my mother when she gave birth to me at 30.

Being close to the age that she brought a child into this world feels daunting, particularly when procreation has now been described as a “luxury”. The shifting societal norms, economic uncertainty, and political chaos sparked my interest in exploring young adults' changing perspectives on motherhood today and even made me reconsider my own.

Children in this economy?

These personal reflections are not just my isolated thoughts. According to the ONS, there were 605,479 live births in England and Wales in 2022, a 3.1% decrease from 2021 and the lowest number since 2002. The decline highlights the growing trend of delayed motherhood, as many young adults, like myself, grapple with the decision to have children.

The UK election has been finalised, marking at least the next ten years of this country’s growth and adding to the unpredictable state of global affairs. We’re already seeing growing pressure within Labour to scrap the two-child benefit cap. This isn’t helped by the economic landscape when you have to consider childcare costs, the housing crisis and inflation while taking a pay cut due to parental leave and lean pay rises.

Of course, financial issues aren’t something Charli XCX will face but what about the rest of us who aren’t pop stars?

Nyasha, a 30-year-old content writer, gradually decided against having children. “The last 2-3 years put into perspective the time, effort and finances needed to raise a child in the current climate,” she explained. Nyasha’s concerns are shared by many young adults who feel the weight of financial instability. “Why would I want to have children when there is little to no support from the government and community?”

Account executive, Bisola agreed, “I worry I would not be able to afford to give my child everything they need.” Despite her understanding of what she wants for her children, the current economic and political infrastructure makes her wonder if bringing them into the world is safe.

For Ash, a 23-year-old restaurant manager, bringing more children into the world was never in their life decision. “The state of the world is the reason I would never bring a new child into the world and it is also the reason I will only adopt and try and raise someone into something for the next better generation.”

But not everyone feels the same way about these drawbacks. Ife, a 25-year-old working in advertising, has a different outlook. “The world has been shit and it will continue to be shit,” she stated. There's no guarantee that having kids will improve the world, but it won't worsen it either.

29-year-old compliance specialist, Mona shared some financial misconceptions about children she's faced as a mother. “Children have a cost associated with raising them, but in most cases, they can be as expensive as you allow them to be. You don’t have to buy everything new, especially since they’ll outgrow toys, clothes and shoes quickly.” Mona added that government-funded childcare initiatives are a big help financially, including 30 hours of free childcare.

Defying the biological clock

Social media has created a welcoming space to express thoughts on having children, away from scrutinising opinions and giving people with no children a visible platform to close the gaps and bite back at the undue pressure to have a family. Yet most of us remember intrusive questions we've been asked or unsolicited advice given about having children.

The lack of respect and laws to control our bodies makes people think they have the right to weigh in on what we decide to do with our uterus. The truth is many factors contribute to fertility, beyond just our age.

Time is a common fear tactic that rushes us into making decisions and meeting societal expectations. Charli sings she’s scared of running out of time, while at the same time asking if having a baby will cost her freedom. We’ve felt it in all areas of life, competing in the rat race against our peers.

Despite this, ONS statistics from last year reveal that most people have their first child at 32 or older and there was also a 15% increase in people over 50 giving birth in England. So worrying about running out of time is a waste of energy, according to the statistics.

“I had fears about choosing not to have children that stemmed from society telling us that life is not perfect until you have your own family. That fear is slowly slipping away and if I am meant to have children, I believe it will happen,” 25-year-old Bisola shared.

Social media expert Sashana moved back to the Midlands from London and has felt increasing pressure to have children. The 24-year-old explained, “My friends are living in a different reality than in London. Some of them have children or are engaged and that can make me feel like I’m missing out. But I don’t feel comfortable having a child at this moment.”

Mona adds another dimension to the discussion, expressing the appeal of being an empty nester early. “I’m fortunate to be in a financially stable position to have children before my 30s. The idea of being empty nesters early is appealing to me and I’m glad I have found someone who shares that vision.”

But for Nyasha, people in her close circle have similar feelings about bringing a child into the world, so she doesn’t feel the peer pressure to have a child. “I’d rather travel and buy my own house. I’ve helped to raise my niece and can see the mental and emotional strain it has on a person, especially a single parent.”

it's a sacrifice

Much like Charli’s song, I realise motherhood is an existential question like a “what if?”. Like many of my friends, I find myself constantly reimagining the future, but the common pattern was that we all know the idea of parenthood is a decision that can evolve, whether biological or adoptive, the choice remains open.

As a guest on Anything Goes with Emma Chamberlain, Charli explains why she believes motherhood is a sacrifice. See a snippet of the podcast from @hypesage on TikTok below.

Bisola stated, “For me, there is a clear influence linked from motherhood to my emotional state as a human being, also it would affect my freedom and I am not sure if I could ever give myself up – at least in a selfish way.”

The good thing is no decision is set in stone. Ife explained, “One day I didn’t want motherhood but a few months ago, I realised I was on the fence. I see the value in raising a human with your partner and that might be something I want to experience in my life.”

Raising the next generation

Before I wrote this article, I thought my decision to not have children was final. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe I don’t want biological children but I’ve learned a lot from chatting with the voices in this article. As we’ve seen the choice to become a parent - or not - is shaped by a complex mix of factors.

Charli’s question of whether motherhood would bring new purpose to her life resonates with many of us who find ourselves at a crossroads between personal goals and aspirations and the potential of parenthood. It is a blessing to have the responsibility and opportunity to raise the next generation by passing on knowledge, hard truths, and preventing generational trauma.

Mona, who is expecting her second baby this year, said her biggest concern as a parent is raising a happy child. “I’ve always known I wanted kids, they are such a joy and blessing to be around. Everyone worries about raising a ‘good and healthy child’ with good morals and resilience, and that’s my biggest concern as a parent.”

Sashana reminded me we are here to experience as many things as we can. It seems she closely related to Charli's song title and does indeed think about it all the time. “I have so many questions about motherhood. Would I make the same mistakes as my parents? Would I learn from my childhood? I believe that being a parent teaches you more about yourself. Parenthood is a different type of lesson and I want to find out.”

And it’s not as if we won’t be involved in raising the next generation at all. Despite not wanting children, it doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate and love them.

Ife said, “Children can teach you about life, with their innocence it helps you to perceive things in a new way. It’s nice to have something filled with curiosity. Whether I decide not to have kids, I’ll be surrounded by kids regardless as an aunt and godmother - I can’t imagine that will be regretful in any way.”

Ash agreed, “As parents, we should help guide and support our children but by no means do they need to be any form of us. They are their own people.”

There are many lessons we've been fortunate to unlearn from our pasts that will help us raise the children we want in this world. Being part of a child’s life is filled with questions, uncertainties and most importantly, blessings. And if it’s me and my peers raising those kids, then they’re in pretty good hands.